The Break Up Book

*These are excerpts from a book I started writing some years ago*

Signs that it's time to break up with a guy

-He doesn't even bother anymore to come up with a story to explain where he was all night

-There is a permanent butt groove in your couch from his unemployed ass sitting in the same spot all day

-He cusses you out for smiling at the cashier at Subway

-His baby momma just had another kid that looks exactly like him

-You don't even flinch anymore when his cell phone rings at 3 in the morning and he creeps out of bed

-Your total sex time for the past month adds up to an hour

-You forgot what an orgasm feels like

-He demands an allowance like a little kid


Signs he's about to break-up with you

-He picks arguments with you over the stupidest things

-He cancels dates with you at the last minute to hang out with a "cousin" you've never heard of before

-He doesn't answer the phone when you call and takes a really long time to call you back

-When you do talk on the phone he's more inattentive than usual

-He stops trying to initiate sex on a regular basis (for the love of God if this happens do a preemptive break-up because he's definitely about to break up with you)

-He starts being way too nice and considerate (back away slowly because he's feeling guilty so he's about to drop a big bomb on you)


What NOT to do after a break-up

-Call him at 2 in the morning after you've been out drinking and dancing with the girls in your "fuck him girl" dress

-Check his Myspace page to see how long it took him to change his status to single

-Obsessively check his Myspace page for new comments from girls then read the girls' pages to see his responses

-Have post break-up sex with him and assume you are back together

-Create a collage of your pictures together and cry over the good times

-Do the stereotypical girl thing and binge on ice cream

-Destroy any property of his unless you are absolutely sure you can get away with it


What TO DO after a break-up

-Refrain from calling him at all

-Find a cute guy to have a crush on and obsess about

-Immediately change your status on all your webpages to single

-Post a sexy picture of yourself on Myspace and allow the perverts comments to rebuild your self esteem

-Cut his face out of every picture you can find

-Make a break-up song mix with "Caught Out There" by Kelis definitely included

-Yell "I hate you so much right now" as loud as humanly possible over and over

-Go on the break-up diet (don't eat and lost at least 10 lbs in a week)


Things a man says when he is breaking up with you

-"You know I've been thinking" (this is never good, a man should not be doing independent thinking)

-"I think we need a break" (translation-I want to date around without the guilt but keep you on the back burner for when I want to settle down)

-"I just want you to be happy" (happy and out of my life)

-"I don't want to hurt you" (translation-I don't want you to get pissed and key my car)

-"Things just aren't working out" (translation-this is hard and I don't want to do it anymore)

-"Things aren't the same between us anymore" (translation-the sex isn't as exciting and I want some new booty)

-"The timing isn't right" (which means I'm not ready to be tied down yet)

-"We want different things" (meaning she wants marriage and kids and he wants freedom and threesomes)

-"Let's still be friends" (translation-I don't really want to be your friend but I want to keep you around for post break-up sex)


How to celebrate a break-up

-Put on your best "fuck him girl" dress and "he ain't shit" shoes, pick up your girls and go out for drinking and dancing all night (don't call him afterward)

-Immediately start dating again with as many different guys as possible

-Trash talk him to your girls who will be so relieved that he's gone they will finally tell you what they really thought about him all this time

-Have a gift/card/letter/flower/teddy bear bonfire and do a dance around the fire to "Enough Crying" by Mary J. Blige

-Get on a regular workout regimen so that when you "accidentally" run into him your body will look sick