*These are excerpts from a book I started writing some years ago*
Signs that it's time to break up with a guy
-He doesn't even bother anymore to come up with a story to explain where he was all night
-There is a permanent butt groove in your couch from his unemployed ass sitting in the same spot all day
-He cusses you out for smiling at the cashier at Subway
-His baby momma just had another kid that looks exactly like him
-You don't even flinch anymore when his cell phone rings at 3 in the morning and he creeps out of bed
-Your total sex time for the past month adds up to an hour
-You forgot what an orgasm feels like
-He demands an allowance like a little kid
Signs he's about to break-up with you
-He picks arguments with you over the stupidest things
-He cancels dates with you at the last minute to hang out with a "cousin" you've never heard of before
-He doesn't answer the phone when you call and takes a really long time to call you back
-When you do talk on the phone he's more inattentive than usual
-He stops trying to initiate sex on a regular basis (for the love of God if this happens do a preemptive break-up because he's definitely about to break up with you)
-He starts being way too nice and considerate (back away slowly because he's feeling guilty so he's about to drop a big bomb on you)
What NOT to do after a break-up
-Call him at 2 in the morning after you've been out drinking and dancing with the girls in your "fuck him girl" dress
-Check his Myspace page to see how long it took him to change his status to single
-Obsessively check his Myspace page for new comments from girls then read the girls' pages to see his responses
-Have post break-up sex with him and assume you are back together
-Create a collage of your pictures together and cry over the good times
-Do the stereotypical girl thing and binge on ice cream
-Destroy any property of his unless you are absolutely sure you can get away with it
What TO DO after a break-up
-Refrain from calling him at all
-Find a cute guy to have a crush on and obsess about
-Immediately change your status on all your webpages to single
-Post a sexy picture of yourself on Myspace and allow the perverts comments to rebuild your self esteem
-Cut his face out of every picture you can find
-Make a break-up song mix with "Caught Out There" by Kelis definitely included
-Yell "I hate you so much right now" as loud as humanly possible over and over
-Go on the break-up diet (don't eat and lost at least 10 lbs in a week)
Things a man says when he is breaking up with you
-"You know I've been thinking" (this is never good, a man should not be doing independent thinking)
-"I think we need a break" (translation-I want to date around without the guilt but keep you on the back burner for when I want to settle down)
-"I just want you to be happy" (happy and out of my life)
-"I don't want to hurt you" (translation-I don't want you to get pissed and key my car)
-"Things just aren't working out" (translation-this is hard and I don't want to do it anymore)
-"Things aren't the same between us anymore" (translation-the sex isn't as exciting and I want some new booty)
-"The timing isn't right" (which means I'm not ready to be tied down yet)
-"We want different things" (meaning she wants marriage and kids and he wants freedom and threesomes)
-"Let's still be friends" (translation-I don't really want to be your friend but I want to keep you around for post break-up sex)
How to celebrate a break-up
-Put on your best "fuck him girl" dress and "he ain't shit" shoes, pick up your girls and go out for drinking and dancing all night (don't call him afterward)
-Immediately start dating again with as many different guys as possible
-Trash talk him to your girls who will be so relieved that he's gone they will finally tell you what they really thought about him all this time
-Have a gift/card/letter/flower/teddy bear bonfire and do a dance around the fire to "Enough Crying" by Mary J. Blige
-Get on a regular workout regimen so that when you "accidentally" run into him your body will look sick
